How Do I Know If I’m Settling or Just Being Unrealistic?

We’ve all been there—staring at our relationship, wondering if we’re settling for less than we deserve or if our expectations are just too high. The confusion between these two can be paralyzing. On one hand, we’re told to never settle—to hold out for the partner who meets our every need. On the other, we’re bombarded with the idea that we need to be realistic, to compromise and accept imperfections. So, how do we know the difference between settling and being unrealistic?

Let’s break it down.

1. Fantasy vs. Reality: What Are Your Expectations Based On?

Settling happens when we accept less than we need, often out of fear of being alone or the belief that what we’re getting is “good enough.” But here's the catch: that feeling of "good enough" often comes from a place of compromise rather than genuine satisfaction.

When you're setting expectations based on a fantasy (think: the "movie love" fantasy or the Instagram-perfect couple), you're building something unattainable. If you’re hoping for a partner who is 100% perfect in every way—flawless body, never fights, always reads your mind—you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Those are fantasy expectations, not grounded in reality.

However, there’s a major difference between unrealistic expectations and non-negotiable needs. These are the things that should never be compromised: trust, mutual respect, shared vision, and emotional maturity. Without these, no relationship can thrive in the long run. If your partner can’t provide these foundational elements, you might be settling. If you’re demanding them in ways that ignore both your partner’s humanity and yours, you might be being unrealistic.

2. Evaluating Values and Vision: The Real Deal

Are you settling? Or are your standards just too high? Ask yourself: What are the values that truly matter to you?

While it’s not necessary for couples to share all of their values, it’s crucial that they align on where they’re going as a couple or family. In other words, you don’t need to be the same person, but you do need to support ( or at least not challenge) each other’s top values. If your partner values personal freedom, for example, and you value connection, there should be an understanding and respect for each other's priorities, without trying to change or challenge them.

If you’re with someone who can’t respect what matters most to you—whether it’s career, family, or personal growth—that’s a sign you might be settling. But if you can both support and encourage each other’s values while moving toward a shared vision of the future, that’s a solid foundation for long-term compatibility.

3. Emotional Maturity: A Non-Negotiable Must

Emotional maturity might not be the first thing we consider when evaluating a partner, but it should be. How does your partner handle conflict? Can they communicate openly about their feelings, or do they shut down or lash out? Emotional maturity is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship, especially when things get tough.

Ask yourself: How does my partner handle emotional stress? Someone who can’t regulate their emotions, refuses to take responsibility, or continuously avoids difficult conversations isn’t likely to provide the emotional stability you need long-term. If you find yourself constantly making excuses for your partner’s lack of emotional maturity—telling yourself they’ll “grow up” or “get better”—it’s time to take a hard look at the relationship. Emotional maturity isn’t something that magically develops once you’re in a committed relationship. It’s a quality that should either be present from the beginning or committed to, consistently improving with receipts.

Ask yourself: How do I handle emotional stress? If you can't regulate your emotions, you can't exactly expect your partner to grow without doing to work too.. This is an area where you can feel more powerful over your destiny. You can't make your partner grow up, but you can grow up. If you need support with gaining emotional maturity, read some books on the subject and practice the suggestions within. Find a coach or therapist that specializes in the topic and follow their guidance. Note* If you're in an emotional roller-coaster relationship that has you frequently in fight or flight, gaining emotional maturity is

4. Long-Term Compatibility: A Relationship’s True Test

The fantasy phase is fun—everything feels perfect, and we overlook red flags. But real, long-term compatibility requires more than just shared interests. It requires deep understanding, consistent effort, and a willingness to grow together.

When you're evaluating whether you’re settling or being unrealistic, ask yourself: Can I see a future with this person? Not just a comfortable future, but one that challenges both of us to grow into better versions of ourselves?

Think about how well you handle life’s ups and downs together. Do you have a partnership that will survive difficult conversations, tough times, and even success? Can you rely on your partner when the going gets tough?

If you’re consistently walking on eggshells or trying to force a connection with someone who doesn't align with your goals, it’s likely you’re settling. But if you’re both actively working toward a future that excites you, challenges you, and helps you grow—you're on the right track.

The Bottom Line: Trust Yourself and Your Gut

It’s normal to have doubts in relationships. The key to navigating them is this: Trust yourself. Look inward and evaluate the situation with radical honesty. Are you compromising on your non-negotiables just to keep the peace, or are you simply asking for too much out of fear of vulnerability?

You don’t need a perfect partner, but you do need someone who respects your core needs and shares your vision for the future. When you differentiate between fantasy-driven expectations and real, healthy needs, you’ll have a much clearer view of whether you’re settling—or whether you need to recalibrate your standards.

So, take a moment. Take a breath. And remember: Real love isn’t about finding someone who fits a perfect mold; it’s about finding someone whose strengths complement your own weaknesses and whose values compliment yours in a way that supports long-term growth and happiness. That’s when you know you’re not settling—you’re building something real.

Blessings,

Merianne Drew