When You’re Afraid to Outgrow the People You Love

Growth can feel like betrayal.

When you start healing, changing, setting boundaries, or building a new life, you might feel guilty—like you’re leaving people behind.

Sometimes, you are.

Not because you’re becoming better than them. But because you’re becoming truer to yourself.

This fear keeps many people stuck in relationships that no longer fit—wondering whether they’re settling or being unrealistic, something I explore in How Do I Know If I’m Settling or Just Being Unrealistic?

And it’s deeply connected to the guilt that shows up when you finally feel happy—because growth often means releasing old roles.

You are allowed to evolve.

You are allowed to choose a life that fits who you are becoming.

Outgrowing is not abandonment.

It’s alignment.

Yes. There will be a period of time some people call "the hallway."

This is a place in-between. When you're not who you were . . .

But you're not yet who you're becoming. I call it "the cocoon."

This is a lonely place. And if you don't tolerate lonliness well, you'll postpone your transformation. You'll cling to things that don't feel right anymore.

But clinging to the old will become more and more uncomfortable until it becomes intolerable.

Start practicing sitting in the feeling of lonliness without trying to fix it, push it away, or seek company of any quality to get rid of it. It will feel uncomfortable at first. But the more you lean into it, the more you'll be able to feel okay.

That's not to say that we should aspire to always be in solitude. We're a social species and we need each other. But we also need solitude. In order to benefit from solitude, we must learn how to tolerate it.

That tolerance will pave the way for your transformation into your more real self. And that real self will attract the right people at the right time . . . as long as you leave your home. And living a life aligned with your real self feels like exhaling or sliding into a warm bath. There's no lonliness killing company that can compare to that feeling.