Why Do I Feel Like I’m the Only One Putting in Effort?

If you're feeling like you're the only one putting in the effort in your relationship, you're not alone. Many of us have been there. You're giving, you're trying, you're showing up—and yet, it feels like your partner isn't quite on the same page. It’s frustrating, and it’s exhausting. So, what’s really going on behind the scenes?

At the heart of this struggle lies a pattern I see all too often in my coaching practice: over-functioning. It’s the dynamic where one partner takes on too much responsibility, trying to compensate for what feels like a lack of effort from the other. But while this might seem like an act of love, it’s actually rooted in something much deeper.

Early Conditioning: The Roots of Over-Functioning

Over-functioning doesn't just appear overnight—it’s often a learned behavior. Many people who struggle with this pattern grew up in environments where they had to take on more than their share, whether emotionally or physically. Maybe there was a parent who was distant or unreliable, leaving you to step in and make sure everything was okay. Or perhaps you were praised for being the responsible one, the one who held it all together. As a result, you might’ve learned to associate love with doing—putting in effort, making sure everything is fine, and constantly proving your worth through action.

But here's the catch: while this approach might feel familiar or even validating, it can set you up for disappointment in adulthood. Relationships thrive on mutual care, support, and shared responsibility. If one partner feels like they’re constantly carrying the emotional load, resentment begins to build.

The Hidden Fear of Being Unchosen

Underneath the need to over-function, there’s often an unspoken fear: the fear of being unchosen. This fear is a quiet but powerful driver of over-functioning. If we think our partner isn’t fully invested, we double down on effort, hoping that our actions will show them just how much we care and how much they mean to us. We’re not just giving—we’re performing. We fear that if we don’t give enough, we’ll be seen as unworthy, or worse, left behind.

This fear is amplified when we haven't had conversations about our needs and expectations. When we start feeling like we’re carrying the weight of the relationship, it’s easy to assume our partner doesn’t care as much as we do. But here’s the thing: performance is not the same as love.

Love vs. Performance: Spotting the Difference

It’s easy to confuse the two, but love is about connection, not perfection. When we’re over-functioning, we’re often trying to control the relationship, to make it smooth and easy by doing all the work. But this isn’t love—it’s performance. Love is about vulnerability, showing up as your authentic self, and trusting that your partner will do the same. Performance, on the other hand, comes from a place of fear and control, where you believe that if you don’t hold everything together, things will fall apart.

Here’s how to spot the difference:

• Love feels freeing. It’s a partnership where both people feel seen, heard, and valued.

• Performance feels heavy. You’re working harder than you should, trying to manage things that are not solely your responsibility.

  
  

Recalibrating the Emotional Workload

So, how do we shift out of this cycle? It starts with recalibrating the emotional workload. Both partners need to contribute to the relationship in a way that feels balanced and aligned with their individual needs and capacities. This is about shifting from the pattern of over-functioning to a space where you can ask for what you need, trust your partner to show up, and release the pressure of carrying it all yourself.

Here’s how you can begin:

1. Recognize your over-functioning behavior. Take a step back and evaluate the areas where you’re taking on too much. Are you managing your partner’s emotions? Are you always the one to make plans, handle problems, or keep the peace? Acknowledge it, and remember that you deserve a partner who contributes, too.

2. Communicate your needs. Have honest conversations about your emotional workload. Share how you’re feeling—whether it’s overwhelmed, resentful, or burnt out—and express what you need from your partner. This isn’t about blaming; it’s about inviting collaboration.

3. Create space for your partner to contribute. You don’t need to do everything. Give your partner the chance to step up. It might not look the way you would do it, but that’s okay. It’s more important that they engage and show up in their own way.

4. Practice patience and restraint. This might feel uncomfortable at first. Letting go of control and allowing space for your partner to step in is vulnerable. But trust that recalibrating the effort between both of you will create a more sustainable, fulfilling relationship.

Conclusion

Feeling like you’re the only one putting in effort is a red flag that points to deeper issues in the relationship dynamic. By understanding the roots of over-functioning, recognizing the difference between love and performance, and recalibrating the emotional workload, you can move toward a more balanced and fulfilling partnership. Remember, relationships are a team effort, and both people need to show up—not just one. When you stop performing and start loving, that's when the real connection happens.

Blessings,

Merianne Drew