Why Am I Attracted to the Same Type of Person Who Hurts Me?

Merianne Drew
4 days ago
4 min read

If you’ve ever looked back at your relationships and realized they all have the same emotional flavor . . . If you keep ending up with partners who are unavailable, unpredictable, avoidant, self-centered, or emotionally chaotic . . . If you’ve ever wondered, “Why am I drawn to the very patterns that hurt me?”

You’re not broken. You’re not foolish. And you’re definitely not alone.

Attraction isn’t random. It’s patterned. And until we understand the pattern, we repeat it.

Let’s unpack why this happens, what it reveals about your nervous system, and how to break the cycle for good.

Attraction Isn’t Just Chemistry — It’s Familiarity

People think attraction is magical. Spontaneous. A spark. A “click.”

But in reality, your nervous system plays matchmaker. It gravitates toward what it knows — even when what it knows has hurt you.

If the emotional environment of your childhood involved:

inconsistency
unpredictability
emotional distance
intensity followed by withdrawal
someone who was loving and hurtful
earning attention
performing for affection

Then your body learned that love feels like uncertainty.

So when you meet someone who feels emotionally familiar, even if they’re harmful, your nervous system whispers: “This feels like home.”

Not because it’s healthy. But because it’s known.

The Brain Loves Completion More Than Safety

This is one of the hardest truths to swallow: Your brain will try to resolve old wounds through new partners.

It seeks “completion.” It wants to rewrite the ending of the story.

So if you had a caretaker who was emotionally absent, inconsistent, or unresponsive, your brain unconsciously chooses partners who resemble them, hoping this time, the ending will be different.

This is not conscious. It’s not intentional. It’s not your fault.

It’s an emotional reenactment.A psychological “redo.” A longing for a corrective experience.

But it rarely works. Instead, it reopens old wounds.

The Role of Identity Wounds

People often stay in painful patterns because those patterns validate an identity they subconsciously carry:

“I have to earn love.”
“I’m not enough.”
“Love always hurts.”
“If I just work harder, they’ll choose me.”
“I’m responsible for their emotions.”
“I don’t deserve more than this.”

These identity wounds create a gravitational pull toward partners who confirm them.

We want love, but we pursue what aligns with our internal beliefs, even when it’s painful.

Healing requires changing your beliefs about yourself — not your partners.

Your Nervous System Is Addicted to the Highs and Lows

Unpredictable love creates a biochemical rollercoaster:

cortisol (stress)
adrenaline (anxiety)
dopamine (relief when they finally respond)

This mixture is incredibly potent — and incredibly addictive.

Steady love feels foreign. Peace feels boring. Consistency feels suspicious.

You’re not addicted to the person — you’re addicted to the pattern.

And that can be unlearned.

Why Healthy Partners Feel “Too Nice” or “Not My Type”

If you’ve ever rejected stable, kind, emotionally available people because there was “no spark,” here’s why:

Your system associates intensity with connection. Healthy people don’t create intensity — they create safety.

And safety feels unfamiliar when you’re accustomed to inconsistency.

The absence of chaos feels like the absence of chemistry. But what you’re really experiencing is the absence of danger.

That’s not boredom. That’s healing . . . if you allow it.

How to Break the Pattern (Without Losing Hope)

You don’t break attraction patterns by forcing yourself to like someone your whom you feel nothing. You break them by healing the parts of you that equate chaos with love.

Here’s how:

1. Identify Your Emotional Blueprint

Ask yourself: “What did love feel like growing up?”

Not what it should have felt like — what it did feel like.

This is the blueprint your body is chasing.

2. Recognize the Red Flags You Keep Calling ‘Chemistry’

Is it intensity or connection? Anxiety or intuition? A trauma activation or attraction?

Learn to name the difference.

3. Practice Sitting in Stability

Healthy love might feel:

slow
calm
predictable
consistent

Let yourself feel the discomfort of stability without interpreting it as lack of connection.

Your body is recalibrating.

4. Do the Internal Work

You will keep choosing the same person in different bodies until you heal the part of you that believes you don’t deserve more.

Break the identity wound. Break the attraction pattern.

5. Don’t Confuse “Not Triggered” With “Not Interested”

When someone doesn’t activate your abandonment, your fear, or your insecurity, your brain may interpret that as “no spark.”

But that’s not lack of compatibility. That’s lack of danger.

A very good sign.

You’re Not Doomed to Repeat the Pattern

Attraction patterns are powerful, but they’re not permanent. Healing turns “my type” from a trauma match into a healthy match.

You begin to crave calm. You begin to value consistency. You begin to recognize that passion doesn’t require pain. You begin to understand that real chemistry includes safety, not just intensity.

And that version of love — the stable, grounded, mutual kind — is not boring. It’s secure. It’s peaceful. It’s sustainable.

It’s the love you were designed for.