Why Do I Keep Going Back to Old Patterns in My Relationship?

Merianne Drew
Jan 13
5 min read

If you’ve ever promised yourself, “I’m not doing this again,” only to find yourself reacting the same way you always have . . . If you keep repeating the same arguments, the same defenses, the same shutdowns, or the same painful dynamics . . . If you know what the healthy choice is but struggle to consistently make it . . .

You’re not lazy. You’re not undisciplined. You’re not failing.

You’re human. And you’re wired in ways you probably don’t even realize.

Let’s talk about why you keep going back to old patterns even when you desperately want to change—and how to finally break the cycle.

If you've been at it for a while, examine your sleep patterns.

Many times you might feel frustrated because you've been working on learning better ways of managing negative emotion; better strategies for relating; how to operate from your higher mind, but keep failing to access all the tools in the moment when it counts. You think to yourself, "this shouldn't be happening still." First of all, 'shoulds' are rarely the helpful way to solve problems. But they can lead us to some insight about what could happen and why it isn't. If this is happening, you might not be capable of accessing your higher mind because of poor sleep patterns. Sleep is tightly tied to our ability to regulate negative emotion. Are you going to bed at the same time every night and waking up at the same time every morning? What is the quality of your sleep? The answers to these question might hold the root cause of this problem. So if you know how to do it, but keep failing after being at it for more than six months, turn your focus to regulating your sleep cycles first.

Old Patterns Aren’t Choices — They’re Conditioning

When you’re under emotional stress, you don’t respond from your values. You respond from your wiring.

Old patterns are survival responses that your nervous system learned long before you had the ability to question them.

If you grew up with:

inconsistency
emotional neglect
volatility
high expectations
unspoken rules
criticism
unpredictable affection

Then your nervous system created strategies to keep you safe:

shutting down
fawning
withdrawing
people-pleasing
over-explaining
minimizing
defending
avoiding
caretaking

These responses weren’t unhealthy then. They were intelligent.

But what once protected you is now suffocating your adult relationships. The pattern didn’t change because your nervous system didn’t know it was allowed to.

Why Insight Isn’t Enough

You can understand your patterns perfectly and still repeat them.

That’s because insight lives in the neocortex (your thinking brain). Patterns live in the limbic system (your emotional brain) and the nervous system (your survival brain).

When conflict or stress activates you:

your thinking brain shuts down
your survival brain takes over

You don’t choose the old pattern. You default to it.

This is why you might say: “I didn’t mean to do that,” “I don’t know why I reacted like that,” or “It just happened.”

It didn’t “just happen. ”Your body took the wheel.

The Comfort of the Familiar

People often repeat painful dynamics because they’re familiar—not because they’re good.

Your nervous system prefers familiarity over happiness. It chooses predictable chaos over unpredictable peace.

Old patterns feel “right” to your body because they match the emotional environment you grew up in. Healthy patterns feel foreign, uncomfortable, or even threatening.

This is why consistency might feel boring. Why boundaries might feel mean. Why kindness might feel suspicious. Why vulnerability might feel dangerous.

Your body isn’t trying to hurt you—it’s trying to protect you with outdated information.

The Emotional Loop That Keeps You Stuck

Old patterns follow a very predictable loop:

You feel triggered.
Your survival brain activates.
You default to your childhood strategy.
You momentarily feel relief or control.
The relationship suffers.
You feel ashamed or frustrated.
You vow to do better next time.
The next trigger repeats the cycle.

This is not a moral failure. It’s neurobiology.

But neurobiology can be changed. With practice. With awareness. With support.

How to Break Old Patterns (Without Shaming Yourself)

You don’t break old patterns by forcing yourself to be different during stress—you break them by rewiring your nervous system outside of stress.

Here’s how:

1. Catch the Pattern Early

You can’t stop a pattern mid-activation. But you can notice the first signs:

tension
heat
shutting down
racing thoughts
the urge to defend
the need to escape
the desire to appease

Awareness at the beginning changes everything.

2. Regulate Your Body Before Responding

Try:

slow breathing
grounding your feet
unclenching your jaw
naming the emotion

A regulated body can choose a new pattern. A triggered body cannot.

3. Name the Pattern Out Loud

Say:

“I’m shutting down—I need a moment.”
“I feel defensive—I’m going to breathe before I respond.”
“My instinct is to fawn. I want to answer honestly instead.”

Naming it shifts you out of autopilot.

4. Replace the Pattern with One Simple New Behavior

Not ten new behaviors—one.

Examples:

Instead of shutting down → “I’ll stay and listen.”
Instead of defending → “Tell me more.”
Instead of appeasing → “Here’s what I actually prefer.”
Instead of withdrawing → “I need five minutes, then I’ll return.”

Small shifts create massive change over time.

5. Build Internal Safety

Old patterns activate when you feel unsafe. Healing teaches your body: “I can stay present and still be safe.”

This might look like:

inner child work
nervous system practices
self-compassion
journaling through triggers
therapy or coaching
relationship agreements that foster safety

Safety dissolves old patterns.

6. Ask: What need is being met?

Is the old behavior still meeting an emotional need? Instead of shaming yourself for repeating it, identify the deeper need and allow it to exist. Then get curious about a new way to meet it.

7. Celebrate Every Micro-Change

Your nervous system doesn’t heal through giant breakthroughs—it heals through repeated micro-shifts.

One new response practiced 100 times is more powerful than 100 new insights practiced once.

You’re Not Starting Over — You’re Rewiring

Every time you choose awareness over autopilot, every time you pause instead of react, every time you speak your truth instead of fawn, every time you breathe instead of defend—you’re building a new version of yourself.

The old patterns aren’t you.They’re your past.

And you’re allowed to grow beyond them.